is it any wonder I'm tired?

today was an interesting day. I got to camp, once again annoyed to be there because basically the other day my boss unangrily told me it seemed like I was doing less work than my coworker, just to make sure there wasn't work to do before I did my own projects. I don't know where she'd get that idea, I'm not sure if it appeared that way or if my coworker complained. either way it's not nearly true, not only do I do the same amount of work during the day, but I'm there an hour early everyday setting up before she gets there. regardless if she complained or not, she heard the conversation and didn't interfere so whatever. she's fake and kind of insane. anywayyyy "her car broke down" this morning. it's either karma or a lie but point of the story is that the boss usually would come in if someone was missing, and today was actually not an easy day but she let me run the shop myself with the CIT. she said I'm the first person she's ever trusted to do that and brought us brownie sundays at the end of the day for doing such an awesome job. felt good. stuck it to them. I love sticking "it" to people. that'll be the highlight of my lawyer career.
speaking of which, my mom ran into my hs guidance counselor last night. the same lady who told me that I needed a safety school because rutgers wasn't a sure thing AFTER I had already been accepted. then called my mom to meet with her because I wasn't cooperating. so I bet she got a slap in the face when my mom told her what I got on the lsat. feels good. I'm going to brag because I earned it.
back to camp. at lunch someone went to dump their food in the trash can and a claw reaching out and grabbed it. whole big fiasco. it was a baby raccoon in the end. I sat outside waiting for animal control because some people wanted to kill it and I would have thrown a fit. so finally they caged it to take it away and it was just the cutest thing ever I wanted to keep it.
in other news. things are going pretttty well, just the timing sucks for certain things. I'm excited to leave but now I'm a little sad and definitely nervous. getaway for a few days after camp is just about a sure thing. about 15 of us in a house on the beach or something, basically a week long party. and I'm contemplating the hc show but I don't feel like making an effort. I just feel like I should because I'll probably never see them again once I leave. we'll see.

I'm starving. time to go eat.

Dear Anyone who ever doubted me,

Eat your heart out.

I'm the happiest I've ever been.

Love, Me

I hate tomorrow.

it took a really long time... much too long... but I finally realized, I finally figured it out. it's over. that doesn't mean it's easy. it's killing me. it's kind of like the lsat. it's been really hard up until now. and the day it ends, will be the hardest of all to bear. and then there's the thinking about it, the wondering, the worrying for some time. but then one day it's gone and I'm happy.

you're gone. and I'm going to be happy.

so I just took yet another lsat practice test and did really well. well now I have to keep it up and do that well on the really thing. but basically I'm really happy for the first time in awhile. and nothing can interfere with me being really proud of myself. and all week I've just been so upset for various reasons but mostly with myself and about how stupid I felt. well I'm not stupid. in fact, according to this score I'm smarter than 98% of people. and that's pretty fucking smart. so there.

you have no idea what I'm worth. . .

WITH RACHEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

thank you very much.

Friday night Rachel came down and my awesome housemates and Maytal threw me a party, decorations and cakes and presents and alcohol and all. amazing. I turned 5. then we went out and partied some more.

saturday my mom picked us up in a car that's not ours and on the way home we stopped at the hyundai dealership to pick up our car which was getting detailed. so after about 40 minutes of waiting in the car I decided it was taking my mom too long and went in to get her, still wearing the tiara from the night before. so the people inside figured it was my birthday and I told them I was turning 15. So when I went to get my mom she handed me keys. So I sprinted out to tell Maytal and Rachel and the people in the front go "you got a car for your 15th birthday??" haha awesome.

anyway, point of that story, I GOT A CAR!!

then last night I threw my mom a "surprise" party and it turned out great. Rachel and I went to the svc show and then to applebees with "the boys" (HAHA) like a million miles away. PS JENNA I MISSED YOU!

this morning I went to Maytal's to throw her a surprise brunch thing. Tomorrow is her birthday so today is both of ours. =)

I ate way too much chocolate cake this weekend and there is SO much left. oysh.

has Pirates dos been out for a week and a half and not yet in my posession?

nobody loves me.

I guess it's a good thing because I definitely would not be studying if I had it.

but I still believe nobody loves me.

I'm on comparative politics overload. dying. =(

oh and happy birthday josh. I hope you're having more fun than netta today.

I hate thanksgiving.
the food is all gross.
and the whole concept of overeating is gross.
americans are gross.

don't go suing turkey farmers when you get fat now.
idiots.

and I'm bored now so I'm going to tell you all my plans for the week.
going home tomorrow, tuesday, afternoon.
going into the city at night to partyyyy with rachel and maria!
back home wednesday and hopefully babysitting wednesday night.
thursday down the shore to my cousin's for thanksgiving.
friday back home, and back down again for Piebald and Say Anything at starland with Rach.
saturday/sunday hopefully more babysitting.
somewhere between all that I have a lot of work to get done.
=] I need this.

those kill me.
but I played with them for an hour anyway.
and it broke my heart when I had to put them back in the tiny little cage.

I try so hard to like people. SO hard. want me to be perfectly blunt? I probably don't like you. I don't really like very many people at first, or at the end for that matter. But I do try. I want to like people. I've convinced myself it's me, that my standards and expectations are too high. I give them the benefit of the doubt. I make up excuses for them. but I can't compromise and eventually I realize that it's useless, and that they're not worth it. But only after I get hurt and disappointed a few thousand times. I say I'm giving up, but it's a lie. I'll be doing this forever. stop sucking or we won't be friends anymore.

some person told me I'm too quick to push people away. that's such a lie. I try so hard to hold onto people. I forgive and forget way too much to avoid the pain of losing a friend, even if it means being more hurt along the way. I have such a hard time letting people go but I can't be the only one holding friendships together, I'm not that strong.

has fucking gone off the deep end.
people have been camping out over night.
waiting in line for hours just fot tickets to the football game thursday.
I wanted to go but I still have my sanity.

we're 8-0. 14th. Louisville (who we're playing) is 8-0 and 3rd.
I'll be watching the game on espn from my comfortable warm bed.
and listening out my window for the cheers echoing all the way from the other campus.

and closely surrounding area... you are really fucking lame.

love, me.

last night was the most depressing night ever.
I cried. everyone cried. the world is crying.
madison is amazing. they are an amazing band and they are amazing people and they don't deserve this. it shouldn't have happened like this.

old entries make me smile.

so yeah...i just got home from houston calls. this was the most amazing night. so from the beginning....this is gonna be the longest entry i have ever written...

so we get to the show and we see them unloading all their shit and whatnot and we're on the phone with molly so she's like give them the phone and we're like no...its weird. but then we were starting to go in and we see jarrett and hes like, 'hi, how are you guys?' so we knew that he remembered us which was really cool. so inside we saw foster who were really good..i really like them and hadnt seen them in a long time so it was cool...then john connor came on and they were pretty good...i dont love them though. so then houston calls came on and were, of course fucking AMAZING!!! so we were all excited cause josh told netta that they were gonna be playing a line in the sand and then they didnt, but they did play amtrak is for lovers which we've also been begging them to play. so yeah they also played a new song which is really really good...then decoy came on and they were good but steve like slammed the microphone into his lip or something during the last song and was literally gushing blood so after they played he left...it was really nasty though. yeah so then we were just sitting and josh, who hadnt spoken to netta all night randomly comes and sits on her lap and she was like um...and it was kinda awkward so she made him leave but it was ok cause then we went to the merch table and jarrett was there and he convinved netta to buy a tank top even though they only had mediums...so with a shirt you get a free cd and he's like i assume you already have this and shes like yeah but ill take another one so he's like ok, but im drawing a picture on it. then netta's like sign it cause she just wanted him to write his name to show that he drew the picture but then he gives her an actual signature...then he calls chitty over to sign it, so im like...wait, can i have one too? and so he opens up another one and is like, ok if we could find the rest of the band you can have all the signatures and we also asked for one for molly. so then he crosses out the one that he drew the picture on and is like this is bad so im just gonna give you new ones so he signs them and then he spills his beer all over them. so he's ruined like 3 or 4 cds by this point and we wouldnt have cared but he opens up some more and signs them and is like ok...if we mess these up, we're fucked. so then the lead singer from john connor sees jarrett signing shit and like lifts his shirt so that jarrett can sign his chest...then jarrett was like come here and ill do it and he wouldnt go over so jarrett's like, dude, i took a pay cut for you guys to play and now i cant eat dinner, the least you could do is let me sign your boobs. then jarrett basically leads us around the entire place and gets the rest of the guys to sign them. so the rest of them sign the cds and we're outside their van talking to him and we went to put the cds in the car. so then we were just talking and he starts repeating things that he had already told us and he's like yeah...my girlfriend always yells at me for that...blah blah blah...so then netta and i are like we really like your new song and hes like oh you wanna hear it? and we're like yeah so hes like come into the van and i'll play it for you. so we get in the van and some random people come and then josh comes on and netta sits on his lap this time (good call) and the song wouldnt play for a really long time, so we're just sitting on the van talking to them and they kept talking about this bbq that they were going to, so we were kinda just like, oh maybe we should just leave...like we're obviously not invited but then jarrett kept talking so we were like, alright whatever. then we get out of the van and jarrett, netta and i start talking about alcohol then netta starts telling him about simchat torah and how youre supposed to get drunk so he got really excited but then when he found out it was in october that was too long, so we decided that every night is simchat torah. so then hes like do you guys drink and we're like..ummmm what...course not...and then hes like yeah i could see both of you being major alcoholics when youre older. then he asks these people if theyre hanging out and then he asks us if we're coming. so we're like um...we dont know and hes like why, do you think everyone's gonna be like who are they? and we were like yeah..so he calls over one of the guys from foster (we think it was one of the guys from foster who was throwing the party but we're not really sure) and is like they dont think that theyre invited and the dude was like, yeah...come. we followed them to the house and we get out of the car and jarretts like you came! so we go inside (we never really knew exactly where we were) and jarrett starts giving us a "tour"...its really clean for a bunch of guys living there actually...so we're walking around and then molly calls me and im like, jarrett can you do me a favor and just say hi to molly...so he does and was really really sweet and everything to her and it was really cool. so yeah then we were just being anti social in the corner cause we were on the phone and random people kept introducing themselves to us and offering us drinks and shit...which we didnt take cause we're good kids hehe...plus netta was driving. so then we made friends with okie which was cool...hes a nice kid...then we went into the other room and jarrett was talking to one of his friends from high school and we felt bad butting in, so we just kinda stood there and random people talked to us...but then we became included in the conversation and jarrett starts telling us all these stories about high school and shit. so after awhile we were like we have to go and he gives us more hugs and we go up to okie and say bye and ask for directions but he didnt really know how to get us back so another dude from foster gave them to us and then the singer from foster said bye to us as we were leaving even though we didnt really talk to him so that was kinda weird...then as we were walking out josh and kenny and a bunch of people were walking in and josh is like, you're leaving? ill walk you to the car...i feel bad...so as we're walking he's telling us how he just bonged a beer for the first time and like has no idea whats going on...so yeah then he gives me a hug and says bye and goes to give netta a hug...so i see that hes giving her a long hug so i get into the car...and...josh kissed netta! haha its very exciting...took long enough though...fun night.
sorry this was so long, but it's being copy and pasted into a letter for molly.

if you support the republican party you are considered a republican.
if you support the democratic party you are considered a democrat.
therefore if you support the terrorist party I consider you a terrorist.
and I strongly believe that:
a. you are a horrible person.
b. you are a horrible person.
c. you should blow yourself up.
just make sure not to hurt anyone else.

why do people think this is okay?

It's amazing how different I was 2 or 3 years ago.
at least from my point of view.
it's weird how different my life was.
and it's stupid how the things that suck never change.
I want to be 5.